25 Sep 2023

Claude impersonating

The current versions of these AI machines may still produce below-average quality results, but that does not stop them from trying. They're not refusing a chance to shine. You can count on them to know the writing style of many real writers; but how can we tell if it really knows how someone famous writes? Maybe we can ask?

Describe the writing style of David Walliams
Here's a summary of David Walliams' writing style:

Approachable and engaging for children - Walliams writes lively, humorous stories that appeal to kids' imaginations. His books are easy to read and follow.
Over-the-top characters - Many of Walliams' books feature eccentric, exaggerated characters that are very memorable. He creates larger-than-life personas like Mr. Stink or Awful Auntie.
Absurdist humor - Walliams frequently uses silly, absurdist humor and situations in his stories. For example, Mr. Stink is an unusual homeless man who becomes friends with a young girl.
Contemporary themes - While absurd at times, Walliams' books also deal with relevant issues like bullying, friendship and family. However, he approaches these topics in a lighthearted, kid-friendly way.
Clever wordplay - Walliams includes lots of wordplay, puns and clever names for things in his writing. For example, "Ratburger" or "Demon Dentist." This adds to the humor.
Exaggerated evil characters - Many of Walliams' books feature over-the-top evil antagonists, like the evil aunt in "Gangsta Granny." They provide drama and obstacles for the protagonists.
Emphasis on misfits - Many of Walliams' central characters are considered misfits or outsiders, like Stink or Dennis from "The Boy in the Dress." Readers learn to root for these unusual heroes.
So in summary, Walliams combines accessibility, humor, drama and relatable themes in an engaging, kid-friendly writing style. His exaggerated characters and situations add to the entertainment value for young readers.

Make up a 5 paragraph children's story in David Walliams' style and incorporate the above bullet points.

Here is a 5 paragraph children's story in the style of David Walliams:

Once upon a time there was a boy named Bartholomew Bunion. Bartholomew was an odd lad who had feet as stinky as Limburger cheese. His parents had tried everything - fancy socks, daily foot baths, smelly sprays - but nothing could get rid of Bartholomew's beastly boot odor. Kids at school called him Smelly Foot Bunion and refused to sit near him. Poor Bartholomew was a lonely, smelly outcast.

One day, as Bartholomew moped about his stinky feet, he noticed a new shop had opened in town - Madame Malodora's School for Stinkers! "A school for stinkers?" thought Bartholomew. "Maybe they can help my foul feet!" He eagerly entered the shop, where he met the eccentric Madame Malodora. She was in search of the stinkiest children to join her school. "Young man, your feet are just splendidly stenchy!" cackled Madame Malodora. "You must enroll at once!"

At Madame Malodora's, Bartholomew met other children with their own peculiar pongs - Paula Halitosis with her breath of doom, Harry Armpit and his scent of despair. Together they learned the skills of great stench-making. There were classes like Flatulent Wind Instruments, Crafting Smelly Cheese, and Advanced Nose Hair Pruning. For the first time, Bartholomew had found a place where his smelly feet were considered a talent.

However, living with fellow stinkers had a downside. The terrible smells became too much for the townspeople to bear. An angry mob formed to drive out the putrid students of Madame Malodora's. As the mob approached, Bartholomew realized he had to use his stinky feet to repel them. So he removed his socks and aimed his gnarly toes at the crowd, unleashing an epic blast of toe jam at the mob. The foul odour was so terrible it sent the angry townspeople running for the hills, never to return.

In the end, Bartholomew realized his stinky feet made him special, but smelling nice for his neighbours was more important. So he used his gifts for good - by keeping shoe factories stocked with the smelliest cheeses to repel rats. And he lived happily ever after in the town, weird feet and all. The end.

Ok then, we have diverted away from the fairy tales slightly, so let's get back to it! How about Hansel & Gretel similarly in style of David Walliams. As usual, Claude tried to keep it short unless repeatedly asked to rewrite, and I'm afraid David Walliams style also gets lost somewhere along the way somewhat if not completely.

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, in a tiny tumbledown cottage on the edge of a twisting dark forest, there lived a poor woodcutter named Wilhelm with his snot-nosed new wife Brunhilda and his lovely children, Hansel and Gretel.

Though the cottage was dingy, cramped, and full of cobwebs, the family tried their best to be cosy and cheerful together. But ever since Wilhelm's first wife (the children's dear mum) had passed away, times had been tough.

"We're down to our last mouldy crusts!" grumbled the Grotty Stepmother Brunhilda one morning. She paced around the cottage waving her fists. "Those snot-nosed kids ate all the food! We must abandon them in the forest so we can survive!"

"No, please!" wept Wilhelm. "They're my kiddywinks! We'll find a way to get by...I'll chop more firewood!"

"Silence, you twit!" screeched Brunhilda. "Do as I say or I'll moider you!"

And she meant it too, with flames shooting from her eyeballs. Poor Wilhelm had no choice but to sadly agree to her wicked scheme.

That night, Hansel and Gretel overheard the evil plan from their beds.

"We're doomed!" wailed Gretel, tears pouring down her face like a waterfall.

"Leave it to me!" whispered Hansel, patting her head. Out he crept under the moonlight, gathering hundreds of shiny white pebbles from the garden.

Chapter 2

The next morning at dawn, the Grotty Stepmother shook the children awake roughly.

"Get up you lazy lugworms!" she barked. "We're going for a lovely stroll in the forest!" She sneered nastily, for there was nothing lovely about what she had planned.

The children clung to their father's arms as they trekked into the winding woods. Every few feet, Hansel secretly dropped one of his white pebbles onto the dirt path.

When no one was looking, he leaned down to Gretel and whispered with a wink, "This trail will guide us back home again!" Gretel nodded bravely,determined not to lose heart.

After what seemed an eternity, they arrived in a gloomy glen. "Sit here and rest my lambkins," said Wilhelm, mopping his eyes with a hanky. "I'll just step off to gather some firewood."

The children waited nervously until finally their father returned, tears dripping down his nose. Without a word, he hugged them tightly, then hurried away.

But as soon as darkness fell, the pebbles began to glow in the moonlight! Following their bright trail, the clever children found their way out of the wilderness and back to the cottage door.

When the Grotty Stepmother saw Hansel and Gretel had returned, she stomped her feet so hard that birds nesting in the eaves flew away in fright.

"Tomorrow take them even deeper into the horrible haunted forest!" she commanded Wilhelm. "And this time, stay by their side until the wild beasts have gobbled them up!"

Chapter 3

The very next morning, while the inky black sky still engulfed the cottage, the Grotty Stepmother flung open the bedroom door and yanked Hansel and Gretel out of bed by their ears.

"Back to the woods this instant, you troublesome trolls!" she screeched at the top of her lungs.

Hansel's mind spun faster than a bicycle wheel, trying to formulate a new plan. But in the chaos of being rushed out the door, he had not been able to gather any white pebbles to leave a trail this time.

As the Grotty Stepmother marched them deeper into the shadowy forest, inspiration struck Hansel. He began discreetly dropping tiny breadcrumbs from his meagre breakfast loaf, creating a winding trail of tasty morsels along the path.

After hours of trudging along through sharp brambles and thorns that scratched their arms and legs, they arrived at an especially gloomy part of the woods. There towering oak trees blotted out the sky itself.

When they reached a pitch dark glen, their father Wilhelm halted abruptly. "Farewell my children!" he cried out, then turned and rushed away before Hansel or Gretel could even hug him goodbye.

Unsure what else to do, the children waited helplessly in the oppressive darkness. Strange sounds echoed around them and beady eyes glinted from the brush.

They remained there for days, surviving only on bitter berries and mushrooms. Each night, Gretel's sobs grew more desperate.

Just when giving up hope completely, Hansel spotted the breadcrumb trail in the moonlight. "Look sister, we can follow it home!" he exclaimed.

But as they Painstakingly traced the twisting path, their hearts sank. Half the crumbs were gone, eaten by hungry forest creatures. Their route back had vanished.

"What do we do now?" whimpered Gretel, shaking.

Hansel squeezed her hand supportively. "Don't lose heart. I know we'll find a way," he reassured her.

Chapter 4

For days the children wandered helpless and hungry, until they could walk not another step. As they wept pitifully, a soft coo sounded.

Perched on a branch above was a snowy white dove, peering down with kindness. It cooed sweetly, then floated off between the trees.

"Let's follow it!" said Hansel as hope sparked in his heart. "Surely it's here to help."

As they pursued the white dove, the forest grew thicker and darker around them. But the children pressed on, determined not to lose sight of their new feathered guide.

Just as they were about to collapse from exhaustion, the dove led them into a marvellous clearing. And there sat the strangest cottage they'd ever seen!

"Hurrah!" cheered the starving children. The cottage was made entirely of tasty sweets and treats! Their mouths watered uncontrollably.

Without thinking, Hansel and Gretel rushed forward to devour the delicious dwelling from top to bottom...

Chapter 5

Hansel tore off a chunk of chocolate roof tile. "Delicious!" he cried with his mouth full.

Gretel began nibbling the frosty windowsills. "Scrummy!" she mumbled through mouthfuls of sugary crumbs.

As they gobbled up chocolate chutes and candy cane rafters, the faint sound of a door creaking open froze them in their tracks.

Holding their breath, they watched as a wizened old woman emerged from the edible cottage, leaning on a twisty cane.

She was hunched with age, and wrinkled as a prune. Her icy black eyes stared out from under a raggedy bonnet.

"Well well, what do we have here?" she croaked, clutching a basket of bread. She limped toward them slowly.

The children stood frozen, mouths still stuffed with sweets. What would the owner of this extraordinary gingerbread house do? Shriek in anger? They braced themselves nervously...

Chapter 6

But to their immense relief, the old woman just chuckled. "You poor hungry dears! Come in, come in."

She beckoned them inside with a gnarled hand. Hansel hesitated. Something seemed off. But the aromas were irresistible!

"I'm Auntie Ginger," she said sweetly, once they were in her cosy kitchen. "Eat up!"

She prepared a scrumptious feast - tarts, cakes, bonbons galore! Famished, the children gobbled it up. Auntie Ginger watched them, smiling.

After their meal, she showed them to two snug beds made of frosting and cookies. "You can stay here always!" she beamed.

She tucked them in warmly and kissed their foreheads. As she hummed a lullaby, Gretel's unease faded away. They'd be safe here.

After she left, Hansel whispered, "Something about her seems fishy. We'd better keep our wits about us!" Gretel nodded in agreement.

Chapter 7

That night, Hansel awoke to the sound of weeping. It was coming from a locked room nearby!

He rushed to investigate, only to find Gretel trapped behind the door sobbing. “She’s a witch!” Gretel cried. “She’ll cook us both!”

Before Hansel could react, a claw clamped over his mouth. "Snooping will only bring misery!" Auntie Ginger whispered menacingly.

She threw him into a cage and slid the lock shut with an ominous CLANK.

"Your brother will make a fine stew," she smirked, licking her lips. She hobbled off, ignoring Hansel’s cries.

The children had to think fast before they ended up as the witch's dinner! But how to escape her sugary prison?

Chapter 8

The next evening, Auntie Ginger forced Gretel to prepare a massive meal. "Tonight I dine on chubby Hansel fingers!" she cackled.

She thrust a butcher’s knife into Gretel’s trembling hands and ordered her to chop up her brother.

Thinking fast, Gretel pretended to slip and cut her arm instead. “Oopsie, how clumsy!” she cried innocently.

The witch grumbled, “Foolish twit! I’ll butcher him myself.” She stumped off for bandages.

Gretel rushed to Hansel’s cage and whispered. “Get ready! When she returns, we run.”

Hansel nodded bravely. This was their chance! Gretel squeezed his hand through the bars. Whatever happened, they only had each other.

Soon the witch limped back, licking her fangs. Their chance was upon them! But how to flee from her evil clutches?

Chapter 9

As the witch prepared her boning knife, Gretel had an idea. "Auntie, I don't know how to light the oven!" she cried.

The witch scowled impatiently. She hobbled over and climbed halfway inside. “Like so, nitwit!”

Gretel slammed the oven door shut, locking it tight! The witch howled furiously from within.

Grabbing the keys, Gretel raced to free Hansel from his cage. At last they were out of the gingerbread prison!

They fled into the woods just as the screeching from the oven stopped. The witch was no more! The children danced and cheered.

Then they heard the familiar coo of their dove friend. It would show them the way home! They followed it gratefully.

Chapter 10

As the little cottage came into view, Hansel and Gretel whooped for joy and raced each other to the front door.

Inside sat their father Wilhelm, who leapt up in shock, spilling his mug of hot cocoa right into his lap. "Yowch!" he hollered, jumping up and down before realisation dawned on him.

"You're alive! Oh happy day!" He grabbed the children into a massive bear hug, weeping tears of relief that dripped off his long nose onto their heads. "Can you ever forgive me for leaving you to perish in the creepy forest?" he blubbered.

"Of course Father!" said Hansel. "We're just thrilled to be back with you again in one piece!" added Gretel.

Just then, their horrible Grotty Stepmother Brunhilda stomped into the room. At the sight of the children, her eyes nearly popped out of her head like a pogo stick.

"What the devil is going on here?" she bellowed. "I thought I was finally rid of those wretched vermin!" She shook her fist at them furiously.

Wilhelm stood up bravely to confront her. "Stepmother, I cannot tolerate your vileness any longer. You must pack your warts and be on your way!"

The Grotty Stepmother was so shocked, she fainted backwards right onto the hard stone floor with a thud! The family wisely tiptoed around her massive bottom while she was out cold.

"Kids, let's go claim the witch's treasures from her cottage to start our new life," Wilhelm declared boldly.

Hansel and Gretel marched back to the smouldering candy cottage and gathered up armfuls of glittering gems and golden coins from the witch's shed out back.

With these riches, they'd live happily ever after and have delicious baked goods every night! Plus the children had learned courage and perseverance conquer any evil.

And so Hansel, Gretel, and their father relished their new life together of joy and comfort. As for the Grotty Stepmother Brunhilda, she was never seen or heard from again, much to everyone's great relief!

THE END